The worst day of my life was May 21st. Or so I thought. There is nothing more terrifying that going in for a routine OB checkup only to not find a heartbeat. After several ultrasounds, it became clear. I’ve spent the last 19 weeks being pregnant. The most terrifying day was 2 days later. On May 27th, we had pre-op and I had some laminaria inserted and it was painful. Painful and emotional. I cried throughout the entire thing. I could handle the pain but I kept thinking “this was not supposed to happen.”
The next day was surgery. The IV hurt a little and I couldn’t wait for the anesthesia. But I was wheeled wide awake into the OR and I saw all the instruments. The anesthesiologist had to give me something to calm down before he could give me the drugs to put me to sleep because I was hyperventilating. Upon waking up, I cried some more. I cried a lot actually and kept thinking “Oh Lord, I am empty, fill me with your love. Make me strong because I cannot do this without you.”
And so now I’m here. We’ve said good-bye to a baby we named. We envisioned life with. Where do we go from here? All the studies show that I am super fertile now and have a 90% chance of a healthy baby. We still have to wait for the results of the amniocentesis and for a an exam to make sure I’m physically ready.
Do we try again right away? We’ve gotten used to the idea of 3, I don’t want to give to give up that idea but I’m scared to live another 40 weeks in fear.